When I New Not Jesus (Broken
Emotionally, Physically,
and Spiritually)
This is the continuation of
(Pressing Through The Concrete Walls In The Pits of Society)
Part II
In part 1 of this story I wrote about my struggles of growing up in a hostile environment in SE DC. This Part will begin with how all that I have been through lead to my drug addiction. Wrap up in a deep dark pit with no way to climb out. This started after my son birth, I was already abusing alcohol before my pregnancy, but stop during my pregnancy I really could not drink while pregnant I stay nausea. One time I was standing at the top of the stairway in the house thinking of throwing myself down a flight of stairs, but the life growing inside me kept me from doing so. I started having flash backs of the abortion, while suffering in silence. No one to turn to without facing ridicule. Now After the birth of my son I was going through Postpartum depression, Post traumatic stress. These conditions were unheard of where we lived during that time, so I was never treated for this.
I was still having nightmares of the brutal attacks of the past that left me with two black eyes, and a busted mouth and nose, bruises on my legs, arms and scrapes from him dragging and kicking me. Now I’m dealing with another’ father’s denial, and rejection of me, and his son. I began to look at myself as nothing but trash. One of many names my daughters father called me on many occasion. I start smoking crack unknowingly of the dangers of crack cocaine, but to tell you the truth it did not matter to me, because of the numbness about myself left me thinking that if it get any worse I would not be able to feel it anyway, Too Numb to Breathe.
Crack Cocaine
Spiritual & Physical Bondage
I started smoking crack and became addicted. It took me down fast. I begin running the streets at night, and day looking for that hit of drugs that temporary kept my mind off my problems, but yet did not diminish my nightmares, and flashbacks of the brutal beatings along with images of my past rape in my mind. What was my reason for being on this earth? Was I created as punching bag, a door mat, is this all it is to life? I almost lost my children to CPS. Where is God? I trust no one, and then out of nowhere my family surprisingly steps in. My brother Edward, and his wife took charge of my two girls to keep the system from having them, and I was still able to see them on a regular weekends. Thanks be to God! Even when I knew Him not He knew me. And my brother Tommy, and his wife raised my son who was found in the house at that time with my mother suffering from malnutrition while I was gone for days on crack binges. I never sought help because of fear, but I was desperately crying out in my actions. The Lord used my brother to arrange for me to get help, and accepted into a drug rehab. I had not been on crack cocaine since. But in my finite mind, later I became one of the only female drug dealers in my neighborhood using fear to conquer fear which puts me in another type of slavery. Still insane. Yes insanity set on me for a while.
Who am I today? What roll will I playing each day a selected face. What disguise will I ware to hide all the hurt still press way deep down inside of me? No one knows who I really am. I my self have yet to find this out. My conscience took over later after witnessing, and becoming close to one of my clients at that time seeing what it was doing to her, and others to the point their children would be without food. She would prostitute herself to make ends meet, and sold her food stamps to use the money to support her habit. Talking about flashbacks, I was also still drinking myself, I had inherited the functional alcoholic, so it seems as though it was social, but it was a problem.
Because of the young teen girls, one who I became a mentor and a friend to name Irene, with whom I care much for along with my children had me to reconsider my actions. The compassion I had for her and others like her, I did not have for myself when crack cocaine took over my life. You would suppose after being a victim of this drug I would have stayed clear of it. But as ridiculous as it sound, I really thought I was conquering something that had control of me once by controlling the drug. I was only, deceiving myself. I was able to recover custody of my children, and made a one hundred and eighty degree turn around becoming employed, and regaining a more profound relationship with my children. I was able to raise my children only because of God’s Grace and Mercy.
When I was deeply saturated in my sins far from the peaceful shore, yet did not know Jesus, His mercy kept me for such a time as this. The life I had back then along with the poor choices I made lead me to not trust in anyone even those who were attempting to help. This resulted to destroying the trust I would have with the ones that were sincerely trying to help me. God put in my life Spiritual Mothers. I do not mind naming one being Mrs. Alice Green, whom I work under at Goodwill Industries in the early 90’s when I knew Jesus not. She is still a dear friend as well as my Spiritual mother to today. A strong woman of God through The Holy Spirit. The other Rev. Jean Campbell, who The Lord used when I was in my deepest despair during the time my youngest daughter diagnosed with Bipolar, another one of Satan’s attacks.
Through The Fire, Through The Flames
My youngest daughter was running away from home, eventually setting the home on fire, leaving my elderly mother in the house who found her way out by divine intervention. The fire left us homeless. Sometimes she will be gone for weeks and months not knowing whether she’s dead or alive very afraid she would be found dead. The Lord must have had a plan for my life. For the Enemy was really trying to take me out. Later down the line I was inspired by two women of God, and a dear friend I only knew for a short period of two years, but she left me with a strong spiritual outlook through her faith at the most enduring and painful time, and struggle as she embraces her battle with brain cancer. She has gone home to The Lord. Now another most dearest friend who has also gone home and is with The Lord. God brought him back in my life whom I share my love for The Lord with. The only real male friend I knew since the early 90’s, and ex-coworker named Phillip Austin.
Our friendship was extraordinary and unique as well as platonic. The Lord uses me to introduce him to Jesus for his words were this - “I want what you got” he wanted Jesus because of the change he saw in me. He quoted to me, “I want that joy I see in you along with that desire you have for the Word of God". We had bible study every week for a while. His woman companion would sit in the opposite room listening to our studies a beautiful woman name Bernadine, but then his phone got disconnected. They live in a lock building so you had to have contact to gain entrance. We end up reconnected a few months later, but at God’s appointed time, for when we did he had just got out of the hospital due to other sickness trigger by his diabetes.
One week later Phillip was diagnosed with liver cancer. He eventually died of this a year later, even after he had received a liver transplant. Phillip had accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. I knew God united us for that purpose, and I’m so glad about it, since I got to witness a dear friend receive the gift of Eternal Life (Salvation). Phillip Austin, Rev. Jean Campbell, Cheryl Penick, Alice Green, who is still my mentor and friend this book I dedicate to them, and others who have yet to complete the race for The High Calling In Christ. Mrs. Green and Cheryl Penick these were the two women who confirm to me through the Holy Spirit to write this book. They knew each other not, and have never met, but on different occasion spoke it in my spirit the confirmation from The Lord.
Something I could not imagine doing after sharing my devotionals with them. The Lord had place in me during my hardest times, and struggles with sickness. This book came through trials, and long-suffering along with endurance that only The Almighty God could bring a person through. The Lord called Philip and Cheryl home in the same year, and in the same month. Two weeks behind each other taking Phillip first on Oct, 9 and then Cheryl on Oct, 20 and then a month later on November 18, 2012 that same year The Lord called my mentor Mother Campbell home a grievous time for me, and their relatives. The Lord used Mother Campbell to bring me closer to Him, for it was during her missionary work at the mission when I first experience The Holy Spirit.
REV. JEAN CAMPBELL
1/11/1934 - 11/18/2012
1/11/1934 - 11/18/2012
(Mother Campbell)
I had just came home from work stress and grievous for my daughter was missing for almost a month not knowing where or if she was alive, because of her continuous absconding from home. The police would not put out an Amber Alert. My family and friends help me put out flyers, and pictures in the neighborhood to no avail. It was hard going to work in the morning praying someone will call or spot her somewhere. Then when I got home in the evening after my older daughter ate and gone to bed. I will go in my room to drink. I had just brought on my way home a bottle of gin and a pack of cigarettes.
I was in so much grief. I needed it to sleep, and on this night I was looking into the mirror that was sitting on the table where I sat in my room. I had not open the cigarettes or the gin yet, but something came over me in my tears so I got up, and went over to mother Campbell’s mission that night, and they were in the middle of worship and prayer. They were praying for me. I walked in and sat on the side up front by the altar tears flowing from my eyes. I ask The Lord to help me, and right there The Spirit of the Lord overcame me. It was like nothing I ever felt before. I was so weak and immediately I start to feel a peace after prayer service. A voice in my mind said to go home.
I went back home to my room and the gin and cigarettes were still sitting on my table. The Spirit said to get rid of it. I thought to take it back to the liquor store since it was right across the street, so I will get my money back for neither the gin, nor the cigarettes were open yet. The Lord said no tear up the cigarettes, and open the bottle of gin then pour it out if you want to be set free. Really! I said to myself, but I obey The Lord then dispose of both the gin pouring it down the toilet flushing it. I tore up the cigarettes and put them in the dumpster outside my apartment, and I have not smoke or drank since. Delivered right then and there.
Each day I got up for work and came home able to bear the pain of not knowing where my daughter was without resulting to drinking alcohol or beer the taste for it has gone, and about a week later they found my daughter. The troubles had not diminish, but the need for a drink was no longer in me this was before she set the house on fire. Friends I use to hang out with stop coming over after they found out I turn my life over to The Lord, and that I no longer drink. Mother Campbell was the instrument The Lord used to bring me closer to Him for I became apart of the missionary work and was under her tutorship in The Word in 1997. The Lord has directed me since. I could not have been able to handle all the adversities I was going through at that time if it had not been for
The Lord.
Each day I got up for work and came home able to bear the pain of not knowing where my daughter was without resulting to drinking alcohol or beer the taste for it has gone, and about a week later they found my daughter. The troubles had not diminish, but the need for a drink was no longer in me this was before she set the house on fire. Friends I use to hang out with stop coming over after they found out I turn my life over to The Lord, and that I no longer drink. Mother Campbell was the instrument The Lord used to bring me closer to Him for I became apart of the missionary work and was under her tutorship in The Word in 1997. The Lord has directed me since. I could not have been able to handle all the adversities I was going through at that time if it had not been for
The Lord.
My struggles during those days felt like I was trying to punch through a brick wall with bare knuckles. My mother became a victim of a brutal robbery in her apartment by two woman. Beating, and tied up she was able to get to the bedroom while they search her apartment for money. They did not notice that she slid into the bedroom while tied and was able to lock her room door, then scream out the window for help. This was after they had already hit her across her face with the heavy mirror that was on her wall. The force of this instrument swelled up her eye and the right side of her face. The beating left her with bruise on her torso and her arms and legs. A brutal beating that she survived through at the age of seventy-three. This resulted to her living with me. This was much since I was still dealing with the unstable, unpredictable behavior of my daughter who ran away often.
I care for my mom until she was able to bathe herself. The paranoia within increased in my mom. The pressure was on, the enemy came in like a flood for just as my mother began to recover my youngest daughter diagnosed with Bipolar, set the house of flame, leaving my mom in the apartment to perish, but somehow through the grace of God The Lord led my mom through the fire, and to safety. My daughter stole all she could carry before she set the house ablaze. We still do not know the person my mom seen with her that help her commit this crime leaving us to have to start all over again.
My eldest daughter was in school only to come home finding there was no home. I had just got home from work we only had the clothes that were on our backs, but we had each other, and The Lord. This happen in the late 90’s. The Lord brought us through that and other challenges that erupted through my daughter out of control behavior. My daughter was eventually sent away by the order of a judge to a residential treatment center. This became the last result after admitting her to P.I.W for psych evaluation. Diagnose with bipolar she eventually escaped from the facility.
I care for my mom until she was able to bathe herself. The paranoia within increased in my mom. The pressure was on, the enemy came in like a flood for just as my mother began to recover my youngest daughter diagnosed with Bipolar, set the house of flame, leaving my mom in the apartment to perish, but somehow through the grace of God The Lord led my mom through the fire, and to safety. My daughter stole all she could carry before she set the house ablaze. We still do not know the person my mom seen with her that help her commit this crime leaving us to have to start all over again.
My eldest daughter was in school only to come home finding there was no home. I had just got home from work we only had the clothes that were on our backs, but we had each other, and The Lord. This happen in the late 90’s. The Lord brought us through that and other challenges that erupted through my daughter out of control behavior. My daughter was eventually sent away by the order of a judge to a residential treatment center. This became the last result after admitting her to P.I.W for psych evaluation. Diagnose with bipolar she eventually escaped from the facility.
Who Was Catching My Tears Then ?
My daughter became missing again for a while, but when caught they release her into a group home where she absconded from also then sent to Oak Hill. She absconded from there also which lead the judge to sending her to the Florida Devereux Treatment Center for a year returning home even more rebellious than before the first time the judge order her for treatment. This continues, and the affect has drained me emotionally and physically on top of this we finally return to our home after restoration from the fire. This was after the judge order her to Devereux. All of this has happen within the process of three years. Now my eldest daughter in the 9th grade at the time of the fire, became the most improved in her class and received an award for it at her graduation from middle school making through the ninth grade inspite of.
June 1997 Tee's 9th Grade
Graduation
COMING OUT OF THE FLAMES
MOST IMPROVED AWARD
Through all the pressures we endured my daughter Latisha grew stronger, and her grades Improved through all these adversities. Never missing a day in school, and helping each other making it through the rough nights. We would leave out together in the morning as she goes to high school, and I off to work catching the same bus she will get off before me, then meet me coming home. Now three years later in the 11th grade she becomes pregnant. Not aware of her sexual activity. Blindsided by other distractions which had me to overlook this possibility for we were each other's support system.
GED Graduation 2001
Against All Odds
I started my first year of College at UDC, this added to my already stable job as security officer, then a few months later my youngest daughter returns home pregnant after being missing for months, starting the drama all over again. This is the time she came back after absconding from the group home the judge place her in. She ran off with some man from Jamaica so she was in jeopardy of losing her freedom, and would be placed back into a correctional facility. Pending legal and court hearing the interruption became more than I could handle, so I only finish one semester of school, but keep my job so I accepted her back home, and went to court to prevent them from putting her in a juvenile detention center not wanting my soon too be grandchild born in a place like that. Later on I realized after the judge place her back in my care she secretly partition for independent living without me knowing it until her next court hearing.
Her attorney requested it on her behalf. When I realized what she done I decided not to contest it she was seventeen. Her manipulation, and deception was more than I can bear, so I agreed to it. The fight in me I had no more. To realize the only reason she returns home was because she learned from someone that if she was put into my custody this would prevent the judge from putting her in the Detention Center, but I had to petition this before the judge to prevent him from placing her there. While living with me she can petition for independent living, knowing she be granted it because of her bipolar, and pregnancy. Note” she planned this pregnancy, and told me so before she absconded from the group home. I informed the counselors there of her intent, but they chose to ignore my warnings. Her return home had nothing to do with reconciliation on her behalf, I was just an instrument used again in her plans of deception.
She was the instrument Satan used to sidetrack me from The Lord. I began to pray in tears wondering why this happening to me again, and again I became lonely which sometimes left me vulnerable. I begin to regress falling back into a pattern for there was a incompleteness about myself that cried out for a relationship that only The Lord could have filled. I was on the right road when turning my life over to The Lord. I realize that salvation is instantaneously, I was drug free and alcohol free there's no delusion of what happen to me at Mother Campbell mission, which I was still helping in at that time. But I had yet to realize is that deliverance comes in layers of suffering, and is a lifetime process that only The Lord can bring you through. Stay tune in for Part III of my memoir Title: Regression (How Did I Get Here)
Her attorney requested it on her behalf. When I realized what she done I decided not to contest it she was seventeen. Her manipulation, and deception was more than I can bear, so I agreed to it. The fight in me I had no more. To realize the only reason she returns home was because she learned from someone that if she was put into my custody this would prevent the judge from putting her in the Detention Center, but I had to petition this before the judge to prevent him from placing her there. While living with me she can petition for independent living, knowing she be granted it because of her bipolar, and pregnancy. Note” she planned this pregnancy, and told me so before she absconded from the group home. I informed the counselors there of her intent, but they chose to ignore my warnings. Her return home had nothing to do with reconciliation on her behalf, I was just an instrument used again in her plans of deception.
She was the instrument Satan used to sidetrack me from The Lord. I began to pray in tears wondering why this happening to me again, and again I became lonely which sometimes left me vulnerable. I begin to regress falling back into a pattern for there was a incompleteness about myself that cried out for a relationship that only The Lord could have filled. I was on the right road when turning my life over to The Lord. I realize that salvation is instantaneously, I was drug free and alcohol free there's no delusion of what happen to me at Mother Campbell mission, which I was still helping in at that time. But I had yet to realize is that deliverance comes in layers of suffering, and is a lifetime process that only The Lord can bring you through. Stay tune in for Part III of my memoir Title: Regression (How Did I Get Here)
LIKE A REVOLVING DOOR
Are You Going Through CYCLES?
IN THE SINCERITY OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
SIS. SEER TRUDY