Pressing Through The Concrete Walls In The Pits of Society

Pressing Through The Concrete

Walls In The Pits of Society
Part I

TO NUMB TO BREATHE

IN A DEAD SITUATION

I know this is a strong title, but appropriate for the introductory of my true life story Title: Pressing Through The Concrete Walls in The Pits of Society. My childhood struggles all the way to adulthood was no small feat. The rise in child sexual abuse as well as teen date rape, and men brutally abusing verbally and physically their girl friends or wives has increase in today's Society. I grew up in a area where people look on as you were been beating in the streets by your boyfriend, and no on tries to stop it. Teen Pregnancy as well as Teen Abortion is even more now than it was back then, and so is domestic violence that lead to murder. This type of abuse can have a person to commit suicide, or put our Teens girls into  a position of becoming a product of Sex trafficking. This is at a extremely high rate since I was a child. Social media being the main instrument used to carry out these type of crimes in today's Society. One of the contributing factor's that leads to these atrocities is unfulfilled love missing in a teen home life resulting to the use of alcohol and marijuana to try to fill a void. This leads to more dangerous drug abuse that destroys the future of today's families.

Ask any drug user how did they end up on heroin, crack, crystal method, or any other of these deadly mind altering drugs, and they will tell you it started with the use of alcohol, and marijuana used to try to block out the pain of some type of abuse they been through, or some type of peer pressure they are under. In each case Sexual Immorality plays a part. Everyone wants to be love, and fit In with what we would call back then The In Crowd. Popularity comes with a price. It is what society exploits as Love and a part of being excepted, that is The Main Deception. Sexual Immorality is a destroyer of the Soul and Spirit this is one of the main devices Satan uses to lure or prevent you from knowing God's plan for your life. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. Sex is not in any way Equal to Love. Sex is giving in a way to procreate and also a way to show affection in a marriage covenant between Man and Woman ordain by God, anything else is a Lie.

Impose Sex in any kind of way outside of marriage is sexually abuse. But our children coming up in this world are deceive to believe it to be okay because Society say so.. They are not realizing the void in them they seek is the absent of God and without Jesus they will never find it for God Is Love. The Lord is the fulfillment of your life and without Him your life will remain void. There is no order between man and woman without God, for God creating us in His image and in His Likeness. This True Story is about how Sexual Abuse can leave it's victim Broken Emotionally, Physical, and Mentally, leaving you To Numb To Breathe In A Dead Situation. Dead people Can't Breathe for there is no Breath in What is Dead. Some of us are still in a Dead Situation or Dormant unable to move forward. Only Jesus can Breathe into a Dead situation and bring forth Life.

Ezekiel 37

As Christians, we learned as we walk by Faith that we have to believe in something in order to dedicate ourselves to it which requires Faith and by Faith we Trust.  While growing up in this world we're taught that you earn trust, and that when trust is broken It’s hard to get back. I at one time was at a point in my life were trusting in anyone was an issue, and a serious one at that. At the age of three I was introduced to porn magazine, and fondle on and off continually up to the third grade by a close relative who was a young boy of the age of nine when he imposed this upon me.

Someone had to have somewhere, and somehow introduced him to this behavior. I use to always go with my mom when she goes to the store, but when she would leave me behind I threw tantrums, and fits not because I was spoil but because I had to stay behind with the close relative that my mom would leave me with. Everyone else assumed it was a brat attack, but still unaware of what was really going on with me. later on in life, in my late forties I found out he exposed this behavior to my elder sister also.

She was aware of what was happening to me, but remain silent for she was only three years older than I. I grew up with the wrong understanding of what love is. At the age of fourteen raped by a teen boy who was a little older than I being misled to think that I was going to meet his parents. I went with him over his house and was taking advantage of. Raped, and then put out of his house half dress left to find my way back home in tears stripped of what little virginity I had left.  

Realizing the similarity to what happen to me when I was of the age of three. The only
difference was at three I was not penetrated physically, but penetrated mentally striped and misled. I made it home and ran to my room and stay there in my tears of silence so no one else can hear me. The Enemy really did all he could do to try to destroy me before I could have known he existed, but God’s protection was with me even then. My next relationship was with a young man in the band that played at my ninth grade prom, I fell into what I thought was love with him, and end up pregnant at this time for me physical bodily contact is presumably love to me since I knew nothing else.

What Do Pain Really Looks Like?

Me in the 9th Grade

Then he and his family paid for me to abort my child, and I didn't need to get consent from my parents this was the law then, and is still now.  His mother, nor my mother were aware of the situation, his older siblings encourage him to convince me to abort (murder) what would have been our first-born child, and they paid to have it done.  At that time I was fifteen years of age, It wasn't long ago the rape occurred so I feared what my mom my think of me. My sanity was on the edge mostly since I trusted not my mother, due to the infidelity I witness during my father’s illness while he was in the hospital.

This backdoor relationship went on before and after my father’s passing. These and other incidents kept me from informing my mother about my pregnancy. I began to reflect back to my close relative who fondle me when I was three years of age using scare tactics on how what he was doing with me is a  secret, and not to let anyone know about it, because of what family would think of me. He also stated that this is what girls and boys do when they love one another. Love you say!

What kind of understanding a person has about love at the age of three. The rape and just a year later an abortion. My father had just passed on two months after my fourteenth birthday, and He is the one who show me love, and never turn me away even when he came home from work tired. My dad made time for me. I will invariably go to his room and play with my toys on the floor when I was younger while he played solitaire and smoke his pipe. I can still remember the tobacco he smoked, and the name of the tobacco was Half and Half it came in a burgundy and green can.

My dad use to bring me  little treats home that I did not have to share with anyone. I would abide in his room, and take my time to enjoy what he brought home for no one had to know. This made me feel special even though my father was presumably a working alcoholic. I only seen him drink beer in the evening after he arrived home. The sole provider of the household of a family of six children, my mom was a stay at home mom who brought us up in a house of strife and paranoia on her behalf. Not to belittle her time and the struggles to try to keep her sanity along with deep secrets she kept hidden that surface after everyone was grown, and on their own, along with life pressures seem to have over power her on more than one occasion. 

She kept arguments going on between her and my father. I had no idea what they were about, but my father would try his best to avoid confrontation. He was a very quiet stay to himself type of man. This was not easy thing to suffice for my mother was an in your face combative person, but when someone or all of us has done something wrong between us, his deep voice would ring out through the house for quietness when we sneak to stay up at night to watch TV disturbing his rest with noises. My mom and dad came to a stage in their relationship that lead to them sleeping in separate rooms as we grew older this was around about the age of five for me.

When we move into a larger home with two baths and five bedrooms. This only eliminated some of the arguments, but my mom always was peeking out of the windows in the house and talking to herself. This continues even more over the years watching whatever was going on outside the home. The same fear I experienced as a child was the same fear I had during this time to the point It became the norm, having unexplainable nightmares that plague me in my early childhood.

I came home from school one day early for lunch when I was twelve trying to avoid the bullies at school only to discover my mother’s bedroom door lock and I heard some noise of scuffling and when she opens the door a man I have seen around the neighborhood came out of the room. This Happened when my dad was going through his illness, and was in the hospital, so trusting my mom was not an option for me. This hurt deep down inside. Who do I go to after witnessing this? A sister who despised you? A brother who use to fondle you? No where to turn. This contribute to me later looking for ways to avoid my mom after my father passed on.

There was a stillness in the air that October night when we got the call that my father died an effect that rang out through the years of division among my siblings. As I look back, I can see that when the Shepherd was gone the sheep scatter everyone slowly went their own way. The disorder in the household left me with no one to really to rely on. Everyone that was older went about getting jobs girlfriends or boyfriends to busy to find out the emptiness in me that was display in my behavior in school.

     Highland Dwellings Projects

Fighting almost everyday growing up in a hostile environment living in the Congress Heights area of SE Washington D.C. (Above) being confronted with opposition from neighborhood girls challenging me to fights going, and coming from school.  Either you fight or run home these are your option and if you did not fight back you will become the object of bullying everyday which also happen back when I was in the third grade victimize by an older girl who use to beat me up, bully me on my way to school and coming home. After my father died I was not taking any more bullying. Standing my grounds got me in a lot of trouble in school, and at home.

This type of emptiness is what led me to being rape seeking a family structure I no longer had at home with the one person which was my father that kept some structure. Through deception thinking I was going to meet the boy’s parents, I became victimized and to scare to tell anyone. Later on My elder sister got married to her boyfriend who disrespect her in front of me by blowing the horn at other women when I go with her in his car this happen before their marriage. He had made advances toward me, I was in my teens. I was more than sure he was  physically abusing her for he struck me in our house during a heated argument truly I despised this person at that time, as my sister despised me.

She eventually married this jerk and my other siblings took on wives leaving me with my sister next to me with mom, before it was all over it was just me and mom. I will start now with how I met my children’s father. This came about after aborting my first child, and the unresolved hurt behind this action which led me not feeling so loved any more it turn into more of a resentment, and I gradually start pulling away which my boyfriend at that time was unaware of.  Then a rumor started about him and some other girl who hang around the band he played in, so this hurt on top of what happen to me.

This open an avenue to annulled this relationship. He had a friend who came over his house, and lived in our vicinity who had his eye on me from the first time he met me at my boyfriend's house. I will run into him at the recreation center, and in the neighborhood very quiet type of person almost as if he was shy. That was what I thought, then we begin seeing each other secretly while I was still in a relationship with my boyfriend until one day he told me he had enlisted in the service, and will be leaving in September for boot camp so he planned to marry me, but he need a steady foundation to start on.

His siblings encourage him to do so which was really a ploy to steer him away from me. I had no problem with this the only thing is I was not interested in the marrying part any more. So this lead to a closer relationship I started to have with my later children's father. The relationship I had with my boyfriend had dissolved behind the abortion, as most secrets I chose not to open up about my true feelings because my trust in men has diminished, so I started this relationship without trust expecting something to go wrong and it did.

The father of my two daughters became obsessive, and abusive even though he brought me gifts he will take them back when we argue, or when I did not agree to extend or be with him when he wanted me to. Some of the gifts were jewelry, and clothes he would take me shopping and buy me these gifts, then he would rip them off me in public as he physically beat me, and strip me in the streets as others look on or ran and left me there strip, and ravished similar to a pimp towards a whore.

 Like a repeated cycle of abuse continuing to play itself throughout my life he always punch me in my face with his fist. Dragging me in the streets where everyone could see. Stalking me when I go to, and from the store heading me off at the path. knocking the grocery out of my hands as he beat me openly in public. No one tries to stop him, not even the police when called they imply to my family that they had to catch him in the act.  Disregarding the blood and the bruises they saw on my body. The last of his abuse is when he brutally beat me in the alley I had to walk through to get to my house, coming home from work when I was four months pregnant with our second child, jeopardizing me, and the life within me that landing me in the emergency room that night. 

Arrested after the police said to me that I had to come in, and make a report. After I got out of the hospital a few days later my brother took me to file the complaint that only lead to his arrest, and a restraining order but no time in jail. They never had another hearing on this case if so they never consulted me at all. No lawyers no district attorney contacted to see about pursuing further charges, nor attempted murder which would had been the appropriated charges this took place in the month of March 1984. When I was able to get on my feet after such a brutal beating I was always looking behind me when I heard sudden sounds around  fear has set in.

It took a while before I return to work feeling very vulnerable while pregnant. Through all of this I told him our child was not his even though I knew she was thinking this would keep him away from me after the violent attack, even though when I first discovered I was pregnant by him again I told him so. He knew the child was his. He was seeing another female in the neighborhood on the side during the time we were together, I found out when I  caught them together not to long after I just left his house leaving behind a piece jewelry, so I went back for it and found him with this other girl.

After the confrontation between him and I,  I thought to myself this was my opening to annual this relationship, so I did going on with my life so I thought until four months later he came out of nowhere and brutally assaulted me knowing I was pregnant at this time. I began seeing another guy who was unaware of my pregnancy. Setting up a way to denied the child was his through a desperate scheme  to make sure he leave me alone. I act as though this new guy was the father of my child. After the brutal assault on my life, I became more desperate thinking he would not dare to come after me anymore considering the stature of this guy. A physical fight would be one he would not want to encounter since women was the only object of his fist, so I lied about  my child's paternity.

I was working at the YMCA while pregnant with my youngest daughter fear kept me from telling the truth. I had my oldest daughter who was one years of age at this time. He was never concerned about his daughter or the one I was carrying in me, It was his obsession of me that was driving him. He really did not want no part of his children unless I was with him.  He would use our first daughter as an excuse to see me. Never wanting alone time with her, but only once and that was to take her to get some photos snap of her when he took her to a studio. She was about four months old, and that was it. Only If I was with him he will see his daughter using the time to keep me where he can see me. 

A person of paranoia and a true stalker. The abuse had me in a state of desperation looking for a way out.  I went as far as starting this affair with another guy so I can make it look as though he was the father of course that did not work.  Desperation can make you do things that you could never imagine yourself doing, but finding yourself playing it out like a TV series, and all the drama that comes along with it. This became a pattern that kept replicating itself.  Later after this relationship, I ended up pregnant again buy another guy I met through a very deceitful girlfriend. I became promiscuous. I hung out with her drinking.

When I met this guy I had stop sleeping around but this guy denied his son, and denied he ever was with me in front a girlfriend I was unaware of. Deception became the a way of life. I became depending on alcohol and drugs getting high was the norm. This is Part 1 of my life Story before I met Jesus Part ll will begin with how all this led to me depending on drugs and alcohol and how I almost lost my Children to CPS. This Will be title - When I New Not Jesus, (Broken Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually) Part II of Pressing Through The Concrete Walls In The Pits of Society

Your Are Not Worthless
Jesus Is Real

  
WORTH

IN THE SINCERITY OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

SIS. SEER TRUDY